i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How does one acquire holy water?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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