I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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