He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm getting married
To pizza
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
