My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
