he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
