I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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