If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
