the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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