i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
