i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Couch. On fire.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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