Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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