Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
