youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
