yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
