You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
