I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
