You can't motorboat a personality
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just puked most of my soul out..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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