I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Randomize
