New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
