All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
