I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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