she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
