my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Randomize
