I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
