Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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