The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
