Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
