new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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