can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she peed on how many people?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
