I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
