Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he told me I talked like a deaf person
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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