i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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