Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
did you just send me my own nude
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
