Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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