Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
