Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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