i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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