So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
