my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
