I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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