this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
