A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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