The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
