My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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