Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
