What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
false alarm, still single
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