Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
