listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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