I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
