So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
