im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
