I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
