Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
